I Won't Be That Person Anymore

Lately, I’ve been realizing a lot about myself. Like how no matter how much I give, sometimes it still feels like it’s not enough for people. And that feeling eats at you after a while. You start asking, “what’s wrong with me?” when really, nothing’s wrong, you just kept giving to people who didn’t have the capacity to see you fully.

I’ve had to face the truth about my own ways too though. I can be stubborn, I can shut down when I feel misunderstood, self sabotage, and I can make things harder by holding on when God’s clearly telling me to let go. And I’m not proud of it, but I’m honest about it. Because I’m in that season of seeing myself clearly, the good, the bad, the ugly, the healing, and the hurting.

Truth be told, I’ve been angry. Angry at the things I allowed. Angry at the times I settled when I knew I deserved more. Angry at myself for mistaking comfort for peace. Angry for coming outside of myself and seeking revenge when clearly that's for God. I’ve been working through that anger because it’s real. I’m not pretending like I’ve got it all together, even when to the naked eye, I do. I’m still unlearning what it means to fight for people who wouldn’t fight for me. Still figuring out what it looks like to stop showing up for others in ways they’d never show up for me.

And if I’m being real, I’ve also been looking in the mirror and realizing I can be a spiteful person sometimes. Not out of pure hate, but out of that “eye for an eye” mindset. You hurt me, I want you to feel it too. I used to tell myself it was just “matching energy,” but really, it was just unhealed pain talking and I don’t want to be that way anymore. So now, when I feel that urge rise up in me, I remind myself I have options. I can walk away. I can pray. I can take a breath instead of reacting. I can let God handle what my pride wants to punish. Because peace feels better than revenge ever will, even when it doesn’t feel fair.

And one thing about me, I’ve never shied away from who I am and what I’ve done. I’ll always take accountability. But I’ve also noticed that sometimes, I’ve had a tendency to minimize someone else’s feelings because of my own hurt. And that’s wrong. I’ve apologized when I’ve come to my senses, of course, but sometimes that realization comes too late for the other person. That’s something I’m still learning, how to be aware in the moment, not just after the damage is done. But that doesn’t mean I think I’m perfect. I know my flaws. I know the parts of me that still need healing. I know the moments where I’ve been my own problem. I’m still learning not to take everything personal, still learning that being enough for myself is the first step before I can ever be enough for somebody else.

To be completely honestly, I can probably say my biggest flaw is that my love can be conditional. I know love is supposed to be unconditional, to love more like Christ, but that’s something I struggle with. I’m learning though. I’m learning how to love people without keeping score, how to love even when it’s not returned the way I want it to be. But with the things I’ve seen growing up and the things I’ve experienced, it’s hard. It’s not easy to unlearn survival when that’s all you’ve known.

When people think I’m cold or cruel, it’s not because I don’t care. It’s actually because I care too much. I feel everything so deeply that I’ve had to build walls to survive it. I’ve hoped, prayed, and waited for someone to see me, to love me enough for the both of us, like CJ Fam said in her song, lol. I don’t want to be this version of me anymore, the one who doubts, who overthinks, who gives too much and gets too little back, who wants revenge when hurt. I’m tired of carrying that kind of weight.

So I’m evolving. I’m forgiving myself. I’m giving myself permission to grow past the pain and the anger, to step into peace, and to finally be the woman I was meant to be. Because healing ain’t cute all the time. Sometimes it’s ugly. Sometimes it’s tears, silence, and wanting to go off on everybody. Sometimes it’s praying one minute and rolling your eyes at the same person you just prayed for the next. But I’m doing the work, and that’s enough for me right now.

I live for the day I can take off the armor and relax in a warm embrace, but for now, I’ll continue to do the work.