I Thought I Was Over It

You ever think you’ve healed from something… and then life spins the block just to test that theory? Like, you’re minding your business, feeling good, looking better, and suddenly, BOOM💥, that old memory shows up like it never left and now you're triggered. Yeah. I’ve been there too.

And honestly, I’m still there sometimes. I tell myself I’ve moved on, I’ve forgiven, I’ve let it go, but then something small happens and I realize… maybe I just covered it up instead of healing from it. Maybe I made peace with the idea of letting go, but my heart hasn’t fully caught up yet.

It’s hard when the things you thought were behind you keep finding ways to show up again. It makes you question your growth, your faith, your strength. You start wondering, “How am I still here?” But I’m learning that revisiting pain doesn’t mean I’ve gone backward. Sometimes it just means there’s still a piece of me that needs attention, a piece that didn’t get to speak, or grieve, or breathe the first time.

And I wish I could say I’m okay with that, but some days I’m not. Some days, it still stings. It still frustrates me. It still feels like I’m failing at healing. But maybe this is what real healing looks like, the parts we don’t post about, or even want to talk about, the days where you’re doing your best to stay soft when everything in you wants to shut down again and build up a brick wall around your heart.

Maybe God keeps bringing it back because He knows I’m stronger now, not strong enough to forget it, but strong enough to face it. Strong enough to feel it without letting it destroy me.

I’m trying to stop rushing through this part, the in-between, where I’m not broken but not fully whole either. I’m learning to just sit with what hurts without needing to fix it right away. To stop pretending it doesn’t still get to me sometimes.

Because truthfully, healing isn’t always about victory. Sometimes it’s about endurance. It’s about showing up for your heart when it’s tired of trying. It’s about letting yourself cry over things you thought you’d outgrown.

And maybe one day I’ll look back at this version of me and see how far I’ve come. But right now, I’m still learning how to hold what still hurts. I’m still figuring out how to make peace with the parts of me that don’t feel healed yet.

And if you’re there too, just know, it’s okay. You’re not failing. You’re just feeling. You’re not broken. You’re becoming.