What I Meant vs. What You Heard

When I think about communication and how important it is, I have to be honest, it's not something I grew up seeing in the healthiest way. And that’s not to throw my parents under the bus, because I understand now, as a grown woman, that they were doing the best they could with the emotional tools they were given. They loved in the ways they knew how. They showed up in the ways they understood. And sometimes, that meant communication looked a little different than what I needed. My dad showed his emotions through being loud and expressive. My mom processed things quietly, holding a lot inside. Neither of them were wrong, they were just human, navigating life the best they knew how.

And as a little girl, I didn’t fully get it. I just knew the house had two languages: yelling and quiet and neither one felt like understanding. So those patterns became mine, without me even realizing it. I grew up knowing how to react, but not always how to express. I knew how to shut down or defend myself, but I didn’t know how to sit in the middle, how to stay present, stay soft, or communicate without feeling like something bad was about to happen. I didn’t see communication as a tool or something that felt calm, mutual, patient, or emotionally safe. It felt more like something you survived. I didn’t know that communication could actually bring two people closer instead of pushing them apart.

I can honestly say I’ve only experienced healthy communication in one relationship. And even though that relationship didn’t last, because communication wasn’t the only issue, it showed me something I didn’t know growing up: communication can be gentle. It can be patient. It can be safe. It can feel like two people on the same team instead of two people trying to win. And once you experience communication like that, it changes you. It opens your eyes. You realize you don’t have to argue to be heard. You don’t have to shut down to keep the peace. You don’t have to walk on eggshells just to avoid conflict. There’s another way, one that actually builds connection instead of breaking it.

Over time, I learned that most conflict isn’t about disrespect, it’s about misunderstanding. That’s the dangerous thing about misunderstanding: it turns people into enemies when all they really wanted was to be heard. We start telling ourselves things like, “They don’t care,” “They’re trying to hurt me,” or “They don’t value me,” when in reality, we just never slowed down long enough to make sure we understood the heart behind their words. And that’s when everything spirals. Miscommunication will have you beefing with a version of a person that doesn’t even exist. You mad at something they never even meant. And they looking at you confused like, “How did we get here?” Meanwhile, y’all both arguing with assumptions instead of the actual truth.

When meaning gets lost, everything gets messy. You start reacting to your fears instead of their words. You fill in the blanks with old wounds instead of real understanding. You respond to tone, emotion, or triggers instead of intention. And then both people walk away feeling unseen, unheard, and unloved, all because the meaning got lost somewhere in the middle.

But clarity is powerful. A simple, “This is what I heard… is that what you meant?” can shift the whole conversation. A moment of softness can calm what defensiveness and anger never could. A gentle question can get you closer to the truth than an argument ever will.

So I had to unlearn a lot of things. I had to teach myself that my voice matters, but so does my tone. That being heard is important, but so is listening. That shutting down isn’t protection, it’s avoidance. That softness isn’t weakness, it’s power. That communication isn’t just talking, it’s understanding. That being honest doesn’t mean being harsh. That was the biggest one for me. You know, brutally honest and all. And I’m still learning. Still growing. Still choosing better ways to express myself. Still giving myself grace every time I get it right and even when I don’t. Healing communication patterns isn’t about blaming where you came from, it’s about becoming who you want to be and making the changes.

What I know now is this: Healthy communication is the foundation of every real connection.. romantic, family, friendship, everything. Without it, love becomes confusing, trust becomes shaky, and small misunderstandings turn into big problems. People end up hurt over things that were never even said out loud. But with it? Everything softens. Everything feels safer. Everything makes more sense.

When communication is honest, gentle, grown, and intentional, everything has room to breathe. Everything has room to heal. Everything has room to grow. Because once you know what real communication feels like, you’ll never settle for anything less.